Mr. Proper

Oh boy, this next guy though! So at this rate in life, in my mid-twenties, I had a rep of picking the wrong men. Like, the bad boys! My friends told me I should aim to go on date with a proper man and go out of my comfort zone.

So sure we take the old tinder out for a little bit of a swipe here and there. I matched with this guy called Andy, Andy is 28, an accountant, is from a village but been living in the city since he went to college. Andy was very nice, texting in full sentences, at no time making any sexual references and was very polite.

Andy is so not my usual type, after a week of texting back and forth Andy grew a pair of balls and asked me out for a drink. I agreed as sure let’s go on this date with this proper man.

We agreed to meet at a local establishment, there is a smoking area before you enter the bar. I am early as I prefer to be, Ha I want to be in charge of the date. I see this guy running like a lost little bunny in front of the entrance just back and forth. And Of course, I find the only idiot in my city that cannot find an entrance to a pub, a pub he said he went to all the time. Liar Liar, pants on fire!

Anyway, after letting him suffer for a while, I went out to him and guided him indoors to our seat. He looked like a scared little puppy, trying t figure out how to go down the stairs for the first time.

He got me a lovely glass of red wine, he insisted on paying for it. (What a gent!). We talked about his boring job, (Yawn) and his family. He asked me a couple of questions, then when the wine was finished he stated I should buy the next round one as we woman want equality so he will give it to us! (Alright mate, I am all for equality but jeez dude could have said it differently).

I come back with the two glasses of red and sit down. He stares at me intensely, it put’s me on edge. He screams, Fuck it and jumps me, like a kangaroo late for breakfast! He started kissing me, and this kiss was the most disgusting in my life. It was like a black hole with a waterfall on the side that was freezing over.

Basically, he just opened his mouth put it on mine, and that’s it. All the while sput was collecting at the sides and dripping over. Nightmare in the making right here!

I pushed him away, drank my wine in one go and said it was lovely and I text him and left quickly. I suppose I am the man as I said I would text but I wouldn’t really.

Boy: 5/10

Kiss: 1/10

Date: 4/10

Proper Mr. Andy, however, became kind of obsessed with me after the date. He kept texting me and when Saturday night turned around it became kind of creepy. He said he knew where I would be and would jump me like a gorilla!

He texted saying he is in love with me and his heart wanted me in its life.

I asked him to leave me alone as was creepy.

He texted back saying he could not because he was in love with me and his heart wanted me in its life. No, thank you. I told him he scared me and to leave me the F alone.

Luckily I did not get any text’s after that. Lies..

The next day: asking if I want to go for breakfast!

I told him how creepy he was and that he should not be texting me ever again.

Once a month on the date we had our first date he sends me a love heart through text.

Baby I’m preying on you tonight
Hunt you down eat you alive.

Maroon 5 – Animals

 

Names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved. 

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